Below are a few of the jokes and humorous short stories you’ll find in my new joke book- ENJOY!

Elderly couple sitting in church. The wife turns to the husband and says, “I just did a silent fart. What should I do?” Husband says, “Change the batteries in your hearing aids.”

I came. I saw. I forgot what the hell I was doing. I retraced my steps and got lost on the way back. Got distracted by the birds and now I have to pee.

Paddy says to Mick, “The wife wants me to get circumcised.”

Mick says, “I had that done when I was but a few days old.”

Paddy asks, “Does it hurt?”

Mick says, “Well, I couldn’t walk for a year.”

A man walks into a bookstore and explains to the clerk that he doesn’t remember the name of the book he’s looking for, but it’s about small penises. She looks at the computer screen and states, “I don’t think it’s in yet.” He says, “Yep, that’s the title. “

Two ironworkers are sitting on a beam, eating lunch. One bends over to pick up his coffee cup, and his pants slide up in the back, revealing pink thong underwear. His buddy asks him, “Jim, when did you start wearing a pink thong?” Jim replies,” Ever since my wife asked me who they belonged to when she found them in the back seat of my car.”

              The Smiths were catching up on a little romance when little Johnny walked in the bedroom and caught them in mid-act. He shot out of the bedroom like a rocket crying and howling. Mr. Smith finished his husbandly duties and went to talk to Johnny.  As Smith was walking down the hallway toward little Johnny’s room, he heard a commotion coming from grandma’s room. He opened the door to find Johnny banging away on top of grandma. Smith shouted, ‘What the hell are you doing Johnny?” Johnny replied, “It’s not so funny when it’s your mom is it?” 

A penguin’s car is making funny noises, so she takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic says he’s busy so leave it and see me in about an hour. The penguin leaves the car and starts walking down the block. She spies an ice cream shop. It’s a very hot day and you know how much penguins like ice cream. She goes in and orders a large vanilla ice cream cone. She’s eating the ice cream and it’s dripping all over herself. You know penguins and their little arms. Anyway, she walks back to the mechanic’s shop and just as she enters the mechanic is leaning under the hood.  He sees the penguin and says it looks like you blew a seal. The penguin says, Na, that’s just a little ice cream.

The police officer said, “You’re staggering.” I said, “You’re kinda cute too.” Now I need bail money.

Police officer speaking emphatically to a young man who is laughing on a sidewalk